Memories of Tom

It has been over three weeks since my brother Tom left us. As happens with profound loss, the initial shock and pain dominates for awhile. Grief comes in waves after that. I realize that everyone grieves differently, and even then, each death carries its own significance. For those who were accustomed to seeing the departed on a daily, or regular basis, that empty space is a chasm of loss. 

It isn't that I saw Tom that much in the past couple of decades. Of course there were the annual "Markfests" which were stressful for Tom and myself. I can't say why, for sure, but we did this for our autistic brother Mark, and for our other siblings. We never hung around too long after lunch and the obligatory candy run (Mark had to load up on chocolate at CVS pharmacy before heading back home). The visits were chaotic, at least in that meaningful conversation was difficult - it was loud, with scattered attention. But it was often the only time we got together each year. 

The last time I saw Tom: Markfest, January 27, 2026

Tom did visit us a few times, once with Georgia in Half Moon Bay, where we had lunch at the Flying Fish Grill. Other times were a stop-off from the HMB airport.  We also visited Tom & Georgia at our sister's house for Thanksgiving in 2007, and once when we were on one of our road trips in 2012, where we got to hang out with Tom & Georgia at Table Mountain Aviation, Tom's business. There were also numerous memorials and a few weddings, plus also our Alaskan cruise, where we met up with Tom & Georgia between ports-of-call. 

Childhood memories are mostly where my mind wanders. Tom was the first of us to be born when we lived in Pacifica. Actually, it wasn't Pacifica just yet- incorporation happened the year after Tom was born. I was born in San Francisco, as was Arlo and Mark; Laurie was born in Lynwood, CA. Tom wound ultimately become the middle child - four older, four younger. 

I love all of my siblings, but Tom and I had an often contentious relationship, based upon his bullying of the youngest 4 kids, of whom I was responsible for taking care of, along with my sister Laurie. But Tom and I got along very well at other times, and our love was never questioned. 

These are some of my random memories of Tom:

In May of 1964, our brother Arlo, Tom, and myself appeared on the "Mayor Art" show", which I wrote about in a blog entitled "Kiddie Shows."

I related about the thrown chicken incident in my blog: "Begetting Violence"

There was the year that Laurie, Arlo, Tom & I got 3-speed Huffy bicycles for Christmas. They were all pretty much the same model - I think Laurie and I had the girl's version of the bikes, but otherwise all the same type and size.  I came home from school one day to find that my bike had a flat front tire. I was confused and upset about that, wondering what could have caused it. One of the "little kids" told me that Tom had switched his flat tire with mine. Of course he did.

In 1972, when Tom was 15, he and our mom drove up to rescue Perry and me when our car broke down in the snow in Lodi. Tom opened the hood of the car, wanting to dismantle it right there. Mom nixed that idea, just drove us home. Tom knew all of the car parts, and was on his way to becoming a pro mechanic. 

Once we became adults,we got along much better. Tom even helped fix a few of our run-down cars. 

I remembered that Tom was the one who told my first husband Perry and me about the film: "Harold & Maude", that we just had to see it. Once we did, we agreed that it was our favorite film of all time. It still is mine.

Tom and I corresponded when we were both in our 30's, when he discovered that I had been telling the truth about our father, something he and my brothers didn't want to acknowledge up to that point. It was a sore spot for me. I kept those letters, which mean a lot to me. 

When I turned 60, Tom wished me a happy birthday, then whispered in my ear: "Now you're circling the drain."  Gee, thanks, Bro! 

During one Markfest several years ago, Tom told me that I was his "hero". 

Each time we all got together, we always remembered to tell each other "I love you", along with a hug. We all knew that there might be the possibility that it might be the last time we see each other. I think for me that started when when our sister Laurie died in a car accident at 16. Then, our brother Arlo, when he was 48, of cancer. Now, Tom.  I miss them all.